My decision has been made. I sent her a suicide note thinking I was gonna commit. Obviously I didn’t. But then she never responded to it. And when I told her I was okay she didn’t respond to that either. Both were left on read. She doesn’t care and never will. Not even a little. Not even in the most basic sense of empathy. It’s not fair. I love her so fucking much. I would literally die for her and apparently that wouldn’t mean shit to her. I have nothing left. Nobody. Nothing. Nothing ties me here. She did for a long time but I don’t have that anymore. I have nothing. I don’t think she realized how serious I was that I genuinely can’t survive without her. She kept saying that I had before we met but I hadn’t. I was on a suicide mission. I had planned to be dead 2 months after we met. She’s the only reason I wasn’t.
All I’ve ever really wanted was to be loved. Really truly loved. And I’m never gonna have that. I know I’m not. She’s the only one I want that love from. She doesn’t understand that. She really doesn’t. Man I just- I need her. I can’t live without her. I really can’t. It’s not a fucking joke. I NEED her. Nobody will ever be good enough to replace her. Nobody deserves to replace her. She’s not replaceable.
I can’t live like this. Liebling if you’re reading this, which some day you will: I swear I never meant for things to end this way. And I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. But actions have consequences and you have to face that fact whether you like it or not. I love you. I want you to be happy. I really do. I was just kind of hoping that happiness would y’know… Be with me.
I miss her… A lot. I just want my liebling back. I want things to be okay again. This hurts so fucking much it’s insane. This is worse than literally everything I’ve ever experienced. I’ve always said “it can’t be worse than grade 8” when I was worried about things. But this… This is worse than grade 8. I would relive grade 8 a million times if it meant in the end things would be okay with her again. I wish I could just disappear and reincarnate into a world where we could be together forever. A world where none of this pain existed. Where we’d be happy together and everything would be okay. Y’know earlier I was at school and I felt sick. Like I thought I was gonna pass out and I’m pretty sure I was on the verge of a panic attack at the same time which wasn’t so great. But when they called my parents I just kept mumbling “I want my liebling”. I didn’t even want my parents. I just wanted her. I hope some day when this is all over I really will reincarnate to another world where everything could be okay. I know it’s more likely that everything will just go black after death and there is nothing beyond this life. But it’s still a nice thought. Just being with her… Forever. I hope there’s a universe out there that allows for it. I really do. And I hope it’s where I end up next. Our souls were always meant to meet. I just don’t think they were meant to meet in this lifetime... I wanna find the lifetime they were meant to meet. I wanna be with her and finally have real happiness. I wanna live in a world where I’m free to tell her I love her whenever I want and get the same response in return. I wanna live in a world where wed genuinely trust each other and go to each other when we needed someone. I wanna live in a world where I could fall asleep in her arms every night. I wanna live in a world where we don’t live an ocean apart. I love her. Our souls will find each other again some day. However the fear that they may not is one of, if not the, greatest fear I’ve ever faced. Today is the 3rd anniversary of the day ***** threatened me in grade 8. Even that fact doesn't hurt as much as the feeling of potentially losing my liebling.
This hurts in unimaginable ways. I’ve decided on a date. It’s the 3 year anniversary of the day we met. The only problem is it’s over a year away and I’m not sure I can handle living like this for much longer. This life is nothing but constant pain now. My love for her will never fade. Even in death I’m sure my soul will still search for her. She’s perfect but she’ll never care about me. She’s made that more than clear. I wish she would but she won’t. All I truly want in this life is to be with her forever. It’s the only thing I think could save me. But it’ll never happen and I have no choice but to accept it.
I hate being reminded of the pain this is going to cause people but at the same time… Why should I care? They’ve never acted like they cared while I’ve been alive so why should I stay alive for them? So they can treat me like shit for even more time? I’m not gonna prevent pain that doesn’t matter. If they ever wanted me around they’d have treated me better while I was around. And if they ever read this: Fuck you. Don’t you dare claim you loved me. Don’t. You never did and never will. Just shut up.
As of right now I’m working out the details of my plan. I’m sure it’ll be in Paris, just not sure of how or where exactly. I’m also working on a note with plans for what I want done after my death. I’m starting to feel weird about all this. I know my liebling will be hurt by this and I hate that fact. I love her. I really hope she knows that. I’m not doing this because I want to hurt her I’m doing this because I truly believe she’d be better off if I wasn’t around.
Liebling, if you ever read this…
I hope you know I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone else at all. You’re perfect. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. You gave me hope when no one else could. That says something. I really hope you know how important that is and how important you are. Whoever you end up with will be beyond lucky. I hope you find someone who makes you as happy as you’ve made me. I really do.
This next year is going to be a lot more painful than I anticipated. All I can ever think about are the things she said. The fact that she said she doesn't even think she'd be able to care about me as a friend. The fact that she literally said she doesn't care about me. The fact that she straight up said "if you wanna kill yourself do it".... I love her so fucking much. I know I've hurt her but this isn't fair. I just wanna be loved. And she's the only one I want love from. Nobody else matters to me. Nothing else matters to me. A year from now I'll only be a few months away from the end. I wish it were sooner but unfortunately it's not. I know she said me doing something like this would "hurt her forever" but living like this is hurting me forever. Not to mention I know she'd be better off without me anyway. This is the right decision. I know it is. It's just hard to accept. I just want my baby to be happy.
I feel like I'm just going to ruin her life by going through with this. Yet at the same time I don't. While in theory having someones death "on you" would be terrible... I know my liebling is smart enough to know I would have made the decision on my own and it was out of her control. I truly believe that once this all over she will experience a month or two of pain and then her life will be better than it is with me. I have hurt her repeatedly. Some of the things I've said to her are disgusting. I threatened suicide at one point. Another reason I want to do this. Anyone who makes threats like that is somebody nobody would miss if they followed through. I'm aware how my actions are precieved. I know I've hurt her and I know forcing her to keep talking to me is harming her. But the truth is I can't live without her. And until I'm 18 and can head for Paris on my own... I'm going to have to stay alive. It's self preservational at this point. I don't want to hurt her. I love her more than anything. I'm terrified that this may all backfire and she may blame herself and commit as well. Liebling if you're ever reading this and considering that: Please know I wouldn't want you to. I want you to find happiness. To live the best life you possibly can. I didn't do this to hurt you. I did this to save you. I love you.